Slayers Couples By Hair Color
by Hinode1
Summary: What happens when you set up Slayers couples by what their hair looks like...I personally do NOT support ANY of these couples and I have NO idea where I got the idea to write this...but it's hilarious.


It was a typical day in the Slayers world. Meaning that Lina had just Dragon Slaved everything into oblivion, Gourry was eating everything, Zelgadis was pretending he didn't know them, Filia was pouring tea down people's throats, and Amelia was explaining to Xellos how _unjust_ it was for him to be an eeeeeevil Mazoku.  
  
Amelia: Life is wonderful, Mr. Xellos! Come on, say it!  
  
Xellos: Save me from this terrible fate, someone..._anyone_...  
  
As if in answer to Xellos' desperate plea, Hinode, the all-powerful and slightly insane author, appeared in a flash of light, holding Sailor Saturn's Silence Glaive.  
  
Lina: _Slightly_ insane?  
  
Hinode: Muahahahahahaha!!! I am the all-knowing, all-powerful Princess Can Opener! (1)  
  
Zel: I'd say she definitely goes beyond slightly insane. More like, completely wacko.  
  
Filia: I know what will make her better! Some tea! *pours tea down Hinode's throat*  
  
Hinode: Aack...drowning in tea...  
  
At that moment, coincidence and _deus ex machina_ (2) being what they are, Hotaru appeared in a flash of purple light. Filia was distracted enough to stop pouring tea down Hinode's throat.  
  
Hinode: I can breathe! I can breathe!  
  
Filia: Who are you? *looks at Hotaru's eyes* You're not from this anime, are you?  
  
Hotaru: No, I'm just looking for my--There it is! *grabs Silence Glaive from Hinode and disappears*   
  
Filia: Wait! Come back and have some tea!  
  
Hinode: Oh, darn, I can't be Princess Can Opener anymore...  
  
Xellos: I thought you were going to save me from Amelia...  
  
Amelia: But Mr. Xellos, life really is wonderful! Say it with me!  
  
Filia: _Hmm...here's my chance to get rid of namagomi forever!_ You know, Xellos, she's right! *Amelia and Filia dance around Xellos in a circle, chanting "Life is wonderful!*  
  
Xellos: No...stop it...I can't stand it anymore!  
  
Hinode: Hey, don't you all want to know what I'm here for?  
  
Lina: No, not really, thank you, come again--  
  
Gourry: Actually, I was kind of wondering--  
  
Lina: Gourry! You idiot! NEVER ask a crazy fanfic author why they're here!  
  
Gourry: Why not?  
  
Hinode: I'm so glad you asked. I had the most _interesting_ idea for a story last night...  
  
Lina: Oh, no...  
  
Hinode: You know how people are always arguing about Slayers couples? Like, Lina/Zel vs. Amelia/Zel, and all that--  
  
Lina: This had better not be a FILIA/Zel fic...do you have any idea how RIDICULOUS that is?  
  
Hinode: Oh, no, it's MUCH more interesting than that...  
  
Zel: Dare we ask?  
  
Lina: Not if we know what's good for us.  
  
Hinode: I heard that! FIREBALL! *nothing happens*   
  
Lina: You can't do that to ME, silly.  
  
Hinode: Oh yeah? *is suddenly wearing Fuu's really cool final armor* EMERALD TYPHOON!!  
  
Lina: Oww...  
  
Hinode: Anyway...I was thinking, what if you matched up Slayers characters by how their hair looks?  
  
Zel: ...How...their...  
  
Lina: ...hair...looks...  
  
Gourry: I don't get it!  
  
Hinode: Let me demonstrate. Oh, Filia! *Filia comes over reluctantly-she was having so much fun annoying Xellos* Filia, you and Gourry are now officially a couple.  
  
Filia: WHAT?!?!?  
  
Hinode: See, Gourry? You have long, blond hair, and so does Filia!  
  
Gourry: Oh, I get it now!  
  
Hinode: See? This makes so much sense, I wonder why no one thought of it before!  
  
Filia: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!?!?!?!?!  
  
Gourry: So, does this mean that people will write weird romantic fanfics that are nothing like any of us would ever really act about me and Filia?  
  
Filia: Nooooooooooooo...  
  
Hinode: I sure hope not...sorry, Filia, but there wasn't any way I could convince people that your hair looked like Zelgadis.  
  
Filia: That's not the point...why did you WRITE this stupid thing?  
  
Hinode: Umm...lack of common sense?  
  
Filia: More like lack of _any_ sense...  
  
Hinode: Um, anyway, on to the next couple! Xellos, would you please come over here?  
  
Xellos: *is only too happy to get away from Amelia* Yes, Hinode?  
  
Hinode: Xellos, I'd like you to meet Sylphiel. *Sylphiel appears out of thin air*  
  
Sylphiel: What's going on?  
  
Xellos: That...is a secret.  
  
Sylphiel: What am I doing here?  
  
Xellos: That...is a secret.  
  
Sylphiel: Can't you say anything else?!?  
  
Xellos: That...is a--I mean, uh, yes.  
  
Sylphiel: Where's dear Gourry--oh...Miss Hinode, who's that woman who's hitting poor Gourry-dear over the head with a mace?  
  
Hinode: *sweatdrop* Oh, ehh...that's just Filia...um, look, could you forget about Gourry for a while? Xellos- *grabs Xellos and drags him over to Sylphiel* is going to be your boyfriend for this fic.  
  
Sylphiel: Oh, no, I could never be unfaithful to dear Gourry-  
  
Hinode: *whispers* Do it, or I'll go back in time and tell everyone in Sairaag what _really_ happened to Bless Blade-  
  
Sylphiel: *sweatdrop* Eh heh heh...okay...  
  
Hinode: ^_^ Good. Next is... *looks at her list* Hmmm... Oh, Ameeeeeeelia!  
  
Amelia: *looks at Hinode suspiciously* What are you going to do _now?_  
  
Hinode: I think your hair looks most like--  
  
Amelia: Mr. Zelgadis, right?!  
  
Hinode: Uh, no. Actually, I was thinking Rezo--  
  
Amelia: How dare you! That is so unjust! Mr. Zelgadis and I have a deep love for each other! And my hair looks like Mr. Zelgadis' hair! *storms off, grabs Zel by the hair and drags him over* See?!?!?  
  
Hinode: No, I think Zel's hair is too light of a shade of purple to match.  
  
Zel: ...  
  
Amelia: *still holding Zel's hair* No it's not! Mr. Zelgadis' hair is exactly-Ouch! Mr. Zelgadis, your hair is too sharp! I'm bleeding! I'm bleeding!  
  
Zel: ...  
  
Hinode: See? That's why your hair is more like Rezo's!  
  
Amelia: But it's still so unjust! And besides...isn't Rezo kind of...dead?  
  
Ghost of Rezo: So what?  
  
Hinode and Amelia: Aaaaahhh! It's a ghost!  
  
Zel: ...  
  
Ghost of Rezo: Fine, BE that way! *disappears in a puff of smoke-or maybe a puff of logic*  
  
Zel: Hey, wait, can you turn me back into a human?  
  
Ghost of Rezo: Sorry, I'm only getting paid to appear for a few lines, not to work a major magical spell.  
  
Zel: Oh, well, that's okay. Want some coffee?  
  
Ghost of Rezo: Sure!  
  
Meanwhile, Hinode and Amelia were still running, mostly because Hinode was afraid of ghosts and Amelia was afraid of Hinode.  
  
Amelia: _Heh heh...while we're running she can't do anything weird to me!  
_   
Hinode: *is really out of breath* Okay...Amelia...I guess you're...not with Rezo...you can...just...sit this fic out...  
  
Amelia: That's too bad, I was _almost_ looking forward to it. _Yes! YES! I've won!!  
_   
Hinode: Well then...next on the list is Martina and Valgarv!  
  
Martina: But I'm married!  
  
Zangulus: Yeah! She's married! To me!  
  
Hinode: Oh. Yeah. Ooops. Sorry 'bout that. Well, I guess that brings us to Lina...and...  
  
Amelia: There _aren't_ any people in Slayers with red hair, are there?  
  
Hinode: I don't think so...not any main characters, anyway...I guess we'll have to bring someone in from another anime!  
  
Lina: Another anime? You can do that? I thought this was just supposed to be a psychotic demented Slayers fic, not a psychotic demented _crossover_ fic.  
  
Hinode: Well, Hotaru was already here, so I can't make it too much worse. *starts glowing for no apparent reason* I call upon the powers of nothing whatsoever to grant me the power of, um, randomly teleporting in characters from other animes! *everything starts to glow*  
  
Lina: That was a pretty pathetic spell.  
  
Gene Starwind (from Outlaw Star): Umm...what am I doing here?  
  
Hinode: You're here to be Lina's boyfriend. *points at Lina*  
  
Gene: Well, I know I always have girls after me, but I like girls who aren't so flat--  
  
Lina: FIREBALL!!!  
  
Gene: X_x oww...  
  
Hinode: *blink* Well, I guess that brings this fic to an abrupt end-  
  
Gourry: Hey, what about Zel?  
  
Lina: Yeah, Zel, you should have to go through this torture along with the rest of us!  
  
Zel: ...  
  
Hinode: Hey, that's right, I almost forgot! *disappears for a second, then reappears wearing a spiky, pale purple wire wig* Well, what a coincidence...Zel's hair looks just like mine!  
  
Amelia: Miss Hinode, that is TOTALLY UNJUST!  
  
Lina: For once, I agree with her.  
  
Zel: *thinks about this all for a second* Hmm..if I go along with this, maybe I can get Hinode to use her author-powers to find my cure...Actually, I don't have any problems with this--  
  
Amelia: Mr. Zelgadis, how COULD you?!?!? Miss Hinode, you must have messed with his mind or something! How unjust!!!  
  
Lina: ^_^ Darkness beyond twilight--  
  
Hinode: Oh no! RUN!! *runs away*  
  
Lina: Crimson beyond blood that flows--  
  
Hinode: *comes back to get Zel*  
  
Lina: Buried in the stream of time is where your power grows--  
  
Everyone except Lina: *gets as far away as possible*  
  
And so ended another typical day in the Slayers world, with Lina about to blow everything into oblivion, and everyone else running like heck.  
  
Lina: DRAGON SLAVE!!!  
  


The End  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   


  
(1)-I was Sailor Saturn for Halloween, and for some reason everyone in school thought my Glaive looked like a can opener. So the annoying guy in my English class called me Princess Can Opener. (And he still does, to this day... -_-;;)  
  
(2)-"Deus ex machina" is Latin, and it means, um, like a coincidence but it was planned that way...am I making sense?  
  
Anyway, I hope you liked the story. Slayers belongs to a bunch of other people, not me. So do Sailor Moon and Outlaw Star. Please review or else the Parrots of Doom will get you!


End file.
